Well, I ain't posted for a while, mostly cause I've been confused. Unsure what I wanted and unsure how I felt. I think mostly I was just running scared. I didn't want to get involved with someone again because of the pain and hurt it can cause, and after Andy, I think I'd had about as much pain as I could take. But someone close to me reminded me that you cannot live life without risks, and if you want something then grasp it with both hands before it disappears.
No one is perfect, and people make mistakes, and sometimes there are some people who rip your heart out and then stand on it a few times to make it worse. But not everyone is like that. Not everyone is going to get close to you and then break you heart. The biggest problem is knowing which ones will and which wont. This is something you cant know until it happens, but in the same token you cant spend your entire life waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Bad things happen, sometimes more to some people than to others, but its your ability to pick yourself back up and try again that matters. I refused to let myself fall into being okay with second best and not trying anymore because I'm frightened of getting hurt. My gut instinct is that this time? I wont get hurt, that whichever way this goes, I'll be okay, but that's mostly cause I'm a stronger person than I used to be. I don't need someone else to complete me. I'm me exactly how I am and if someone doesn't like it? Well go to hell.
I'm never gonna change who I am, or what I say or do for anyone, because I shouldn't have to. Being fake and lying can only be kept up for so long before something makes you crack. Also.. If the person your with, or in fact anyone who's close to you, hurts you, lies, or does something to make you feel shit. Then you have to think to yourself, are they really worth the hassle? Most of the time the answer is No. I'm not talking about petty disagreements either, I'm talking about the big stuff. Stuff that matters.
I think this time I'm just gonna let everything take its course, and if I fall in love or even if I don't? Whatever happens, then that's fine, because this time I know I've been honest with myself. I've not forced myself to feel anything that's not there.... yet.
I have to say though, that when I'm with him, curled up on the sofa, I feel like that is EXACTLY where I'm meant to be.
- Side note, Job is going excellent, Money is going Excellent. I can't WAIT to get my bed! And I'm contemplating buying a guitar and learning to play! I've always wanted to and I'm like... well why the hell not!?!?!
Love n Hugs
Fifi
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