Tuesday, 21 July 2009
The rain fell as she sat alone on her bed, watching her window slowly fog from her erratic breathing. Tears fell from her eyes like the tiny beads of rain running down the glass in front of her, try as she might she could not stop them. They flowed freely, running down her chin and dropping onto the green jumper she was wearing, where the soft fabric soaked them up. She was shaking, her whole body trembling with the effort of trying to keep all the pain she was feeling locked up inside her. She didn’t understand and she didn’t think she ever would, it felt like her insides had been ripped apart and her heart thrown on the floor and stood on. She had nothing left, an empty shell, not worth anything anymore. She wrapped her arms around herself and stood looking out at the sky, grey and dark and somewhere in the back of her mind she wondered if a thunder storm was on its way. Turning her back on the window she walked to her door, turned the small latch lock and sat back on her bed.
The smooth steal of the knife glinted in the light and she pressed her finger tip against it, a small droplet of blood fell from the tip of her finger onto her pale bed sheets staining the small patch bright crimson and she smiled. Rolling up the sleeves of her top she pressed the knife against her wrist and took and deep breath, pressing down she gasped and watched as the thick liquid swam from her veins, changing hands she repeated it on her other wrist and again watched in awe as the cold metal slid into her skin.
She lay back on the bed, her arms motionless by her side, and felt giddy as her vision began to blur and her senses lessen. She felt as if she was floating her whole world suspended in front of her eyes for this brief moment in time. She saw her family looking down on her, her friends and finally him, looking at her the way he used to when he loved her. As she drifted further and further into the darkness she was vaguely aware of a banging and someone calling her name, then everything went black.
Saturday, 18 July 2009
These probably wont be in any kind of order so my appologies for that. :-)
When I was 11 my parents broke up, now I'm nearly 22 I can honestly say its not a bad thing, but when your 11 it feels like your entire world is falling to pieces, at the time I wasnt as interested in music as I am now, at least no contempory music, and it wasnt until a few years later when I was with my cousin I came across the following song.
"Savage Garden - Two Beds and a Coffee Machine"
"And she takes another step
Slowly she opens the door
Check that he is sleeping
Pick up all the broken glass and furniture on the floor
Been up half the night screaming now it's time to get away
Pack up the kids in the car
Another bruise to try and hide
Another alibi to write
Another ditch in the road
You keep moving
Another stop sign
You keep moving on
And the years go by so fast
Wonder how I ever made it through
And there are children to think of
Baby's asleep in the backseat
Wonder how they'll ever make it through this living nightmare
But the mind is an amazing thing
Full of candy dreams and new toys and another cheap hotel
Two beds and a coffee machine
But there are groceries to buy
And she knows she'll have to go home"
Now if I was to apply this song to the situation I was in when I was 11, the roles would have been reversed, the she would be a he, my Dad and not my Mum would be the subject of this song.
Moving on a few years to my first "kiddie" relationship.
"Celine Dion - I Love You"
"I love you, please say
You love me too, these three words
They could change our lives forever
And I promise you that we will always be together
Till the end of time"
It was probably safe to say that at the age of 12/13 I didn't really have a clear view what love was, but I remember hearing this song and then singing it to said person, who shall remain nameless! At the time it summed up all I was feeling, sure it wasnt proper love, it was a kiddie imitation but I have fond memories of that time. :-)
The next one is a lyric I just adore, it's "Taylor Swift - The Way I Loved You" The song talks about how she is very comfortable in her relationship, and her partner does everything right, compliments her at the right time, gets on with her family, all her friends of jealous of her supposed perfect relationship, and then this is the chorus.
"But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it’s 2 AM and I’m cursing your name
You’re so in love that you act insane
And that’s the way I loved you
Breakin’ down and coming undone
It’s a roller-coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that’s the way I loved you"
Have you ever been in that sort of relationship where you should be unbelievably happy, but your not, and when you look closer you see that the sparkle and passion has gone. That’s what I feel this song means, and I can relate, you love someone dearly, but you just don’t feel the same wow factor when you see them anymore. I think all relationships get to this point eventually, but I also thing you can get it back if you want to and are willing to try.
Now onto “Lost Prophets - All Ways, Always” I love this song, and not just for the lyrics, although if you listen to the words its quite a sad song in a way it makes you feel good and uplifts you because of the music itself.
“And I'm sorry for what happened,
But I want you there to see,
That I'm changing all my actions,
I don't wanna set you free.
Always, all ways I want to see you through
Always, all ways me and you
And I wait here on my own,
And I wait for you to see,
All the time I spend alone now won't comfort me.”
To me this song is about wanting someone who doesnt want you, and thats a bitch. It hurts alot, but in the end you can only come out of it a stronger person. I adore the lyrics in this song.
"Katy Perry - Thinking Of You"
"Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed
You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know
Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes"
To me this song means that you've already been with the love of your life, or at least you feel that way, and you have found someone new but they just dont compare to what you had before, and it feels like you have been given second best. It always makes me cry when I listen to it, she sang it live and the raw emotion in her voice was overwhelming.
This next song was mine and my Ex's song, it still makes me smile to think of the lyrics now, also how we found the song too. We were looking for Goo Goo Dolls songs on some download thing and came across this song thinking it was a Goo Goo Dolls song, We later found out it wasnt, but it doesnt matter, because the lyrics were so amazing it just kinda stuck.
"Edwin McCain - I'll Be"
"The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be your love suicide
and I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache, that hang from above
I've been dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in, turned on, Remembered the things that you said"
Everytime I hear that song I just cant help think wow, the lyric I like most from it is "Rain falls angry on the tin roof, as we lie awake in my bed, you're my survival, your my living proof, my love is alive no dead" I think its nice to have fond memories of any song, especially when its associated with a ex :D
Hehe! The next one is "The Feeling - I Love It When You Call" I love this song, that giddy feeling you get in your stomach when someone you really like calls you and your so happy its their name thats flashed on your phone!
"I love it when you call
I love it when you call
I love it when you call
But you never call at all
So what's the complication it's only conversation
I love it when you call
But you never call at all"
I like this song so much because there is the downside that when they DONT call you feel like they never call and they have abandoned you etc. But I guess there is a downside to every upside :) I used to feel that way when I first met Andy (my Ex) we used to talk for hours n hours on the phone and never run out of things to say, yet whenever he didnt call I always used to feel like he never phoned at all!
I have loads more but I have a funny little feeling this post is gonna be quite long, I post more soon
Love and Kisses
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Like I have this image in my head of like long coloured ribbons that are a few meters in length and quite thick, being held by a bunch of women wearing outfits of the same colour as the ribbon they are holding, making a colourful cats cradle effect in mid air. I mean where the fuck did that come from?
I did doze off for a couple of moments and my brain once again decided it wasn't going to let me sleep, I started dreaming I was in a roofless car, It wasn't meant to be roofless so it wasn't a soft-top, it just didn't have a roof, and it was really windy and starting to get dark, and I'm driving down this country lane with fields on either side of me, and I'm picking up speed, going faster and faster and I can see the speedometer dial thing moving but I cant see the numbers. The trees are wizzing past and I can feel the car start to shake under the strain of the speed and then suddenly I'm awake. I dont mean the kind of fuzzy awake I mean, stark wide away, sit up in bed and be completely aware type awake...
I have a feeling something is bothering me but I either can't or don't want to address what it is. I'm thinking thats why I can't shut down.. =/
Anywho, I think I'm gonna lay here aimlessly some more, if I can't sleep I might as well make the most of it and think up some more ideas for writing I want to do!
Love n Kisses
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
That's how I just felt. Imagine this.
You split up with your boyfriend - fair enough. Your best friend tells you they like your ex - okay... but then say you are far more important than that though as they have known you for 8 years and wont act on it, because they don't want lose your friendship - fair enough, you can't always help who you like.
So imagine your surprise when you look on Facebook one day and see a comment "You know I love you" from said best friend to your ex. You've just started to pick yourself up and start to learn how to be happy and then you get knocked right back down again by someone who claimed to be your best friend, who would ALWAYS be there for you. I've come to the conclusion you can never really trust anyone except close family and even then with some of them you have to be careful. I can now count on 1 hand the amount of people I can trust completely.
Friendship apparently to some people doesn't mean a damn thing and I'm yet to figure out how you pick out the friends who do know what friendship means from the ones who don't and will drop you at the kindest word from anything with a cock.
Love n Kisses
Monday, 13 July 2009
I was sitting at work, and really got into the mood to write something mushy about these two after watching Torchwood last night. So here it is, hopes you likes.
Ianto smiled, he was just where he wanted to be, in the strong arms surrounding him. He turned his head and kissed the chest he was nuzzled against feeling the sparse hair under his lips and smiled again. It was amazing how such a simple act could make him feel so amazing with every touch, it was like wherever their skin met electricity jolted through him and he was alive in ways he couldn't imagine. His head was tilted and he was kissed, soundly, possessively and a small moan escaped his lips, he couldn't resist, this man made him feel so much. The man beneath him chuckled and kissed him again, he loved listening to Ianto's moans and whimpers, they ignited something deep within him. Their hands travelled as they kissed exploring and touching, sending shivers down both their spines, this is how it was meant to be, to feel this way with someone so special its not even possible to put it into words.
To say they loved each other wouldn't have been enough, they connected on levels which no one else would understand, it was like they were meant to be, soul mates. Nothing except death would tear them apart.
Ianto threw his head back in ecstasy and Jacks lips caught his throat nibbling on the delicate flesh, teasing it between his teeth while Ianto panted incoherent words which sounded something like “now!” they shifted, Jacks body nestling in-between his lovers thighs, Ianto let out a rugged cry and moved his hips upwards, their bodies met, each curve and shape moulding into the other. Their movements fluid, perfect as if the whole world was waiting for this moment in time. Ianto's hand travelled slowly down Jack's back bringing him closer, growing more frantic as the pressure inside them built together, Ianto was the first to cry out, his body tightening around the man so close to him, Jack followed his head buried in the curve of Ianto's neck, sweat glistening on their body's as they shook in each others arms.
The words they wanted to say were left unspoken as they always were, yet Ianto still smiled. He didn't need the words, all he needed was this, right here right now, this was enough.
Love n Kisses
Firstly, I'm going home, back to Norfolk, currently I'm living in Wolverhampton, so that’s the first big change, fuelled by the end of a 3 year relationship. At first I wondered why me? Why am I losing a person I cherish and love, and I was devastated, and now, a few weeks on I'm starting to realise it will make me a better person and I can be happy, and I am. I have amazing friends, a fantastic family and I know ill make it through! That’s a big step for me compared to how I was a week back! Heh.
People always say that going home feels like they have failed, well its not always true, I mean yes I've made mistakes and done a lot of things I shouldn’t have, but they all turn you into the person you are and going home doesn’t mean you've failed, it just means that’s what you need right now. Going home is therapeutic it gives you chance to find yourself again and be you.
I am so excited to spend time with my Cousin, I’ll be living with her for a bit while I sort myself out and it’s gonna be awesome!
Right, A bit about me, I lived in Norfolk most of my life, until I was 17, at which point I moved to Manchester cause I thought it was glamorous and would be totally amazing! As you do at 17. Well I was half right, it was amazing but also kinda rubbish too!. After a year and half I moved down south to live with my mum, things didn’t working out and I moved with my then Boyfriend to Wolverhampton, where I have been for the last two years. I’ve had some experiences here I’ll never forget. I like to read write and I love music, it’s always been a big part of my life, I find lyrics in songs can get you through anything. I am also a major computer fan and love everything about technology and gaming! (well except the getting addicted part!!)
My cousin suggested I start a blog. I decided it was a good idea as it would give me a way to vent my feelings and state my opinions of different things.
So that’s exactly what ill be doing!
Love n Kisses