Sunday, 23 May 2010

A Childs Dream?

Your the only one

Who makes me smile

Safe in your arms

Even when your gone

I remember the times

We had so much fun

Playing like children

Messing around

I remember it fondly

Where has it gone?

Let us rekindle

The times that we had

Let us go back

To change the past


I feel different today. Last night opened my eyes I think. I'm done with this depressive slump. It hasnt got me anywhere. I've realised that some scars never dissappear completely but they do fade, and while you can always be haunted by your past its up to you to make sure it effects you less. I realise what I want from life now and I'm going to work towards it with everything I am.

So my plan for the next two years.

1) Pay off loan
2) Learn to drive
3) By a car. Hard top convertable.
4) Get into marketing
5) Move into my own place, whether that be in Norwich or a different part of the country and find my perfect marketing job.

And even if the road to get there is bumpy, I know that it will happen. Because I can make anything happen. As far as a man in my life is concerned, I'm not overly worried. I have amazing friends and am rebuilding some bridges which I think is really important and is helping me so much. Theres some people that I've realised I need in my life, maybe not the way I thought I needed them but I need them there, and I'm not going to the point that it did now.

On another note I dyed my hair :D

Pic there :) I love it, it makes me feel good. and the colour is awesome. I'm going clubbing with my sister next Friday which should be good. My mums gonna be there so Ill probs update with how that went, considering I havent seen my mum in almost 4 years and I really have no desire to ever speak to her again. But its my sisters birthday and I'm doing this for her.

"I love you, I just wish I could tell you"



Manage me, I'm a mess
Turn a page, I'm a book half-unread
I wanna be laughed at, laughed with just because
I wanna feel weightless, and that should be enough.

But I'm stuck in this fucking rut
waiting on a secondhand pick-me-up
and I'm over, getting older

If I could just find the time
then I would never let another day go by
I'm over, getting old

And maybe it's not my weekend
but it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction to everything I fear
'Cause I've been going crazy I don't wanna waste another minute here.

Make believe that I impress
that every word by design turns a head
I wanna feel reckless
Wanna live it up just because (just because)
I wanna feel weightless 'cause that would be enough

^^^ Lyrics from a song called Weightless by All Time Low.

A song that pretty much describes me.

Reminiscing about the past can be fun. But not always. Its funny what you realise you miss and you start wondering if things could have been different. I guess all things get a second chance. Its also weird what you find yourself missing and when you realise that you might not be the only person missing it. =/

Sometimes I feel so alone that I cant handle all the emotions that come from it. I need something and maybe im just starting to realise what that something is. I was so happy at one point recently and then that happiness evaporated and I found myself slipping back into the same old routines. Maybe the change was my fault. I know I can be overbaring, but maybe it wasnt completely my fault? I dunno. I feel strangly hazzy and fuzzy. Something has awakened inside me that I havent felt in a while.
Maybe I should go to sleep but I dont want to. I want to be awake to feel. Because I feel alive and I havent felt like this in a long time. Is it wrong to say that I miss it so much that sometimes I wonder if things could ever be that way again?

I do miss it, so much, Im gonna hold out hope that things might change


Thursday, 13 May 2010


Breaking apart in the shadows,

Crumbling and cracking this mask,

It won’t last much longer

No support to hold me up

Alone, Never-ending loneliness

Only darkness fills the void

Forced and fake

Consumed by what can’t be controlled.

Saturday, 8 May 2010

Just a quick post

I was watching Disney earlier today and someone said something on a show which made me think. It's actually a phrase I cannot stand. "When life throws you lemons, make lemonade" cause seriously. How realistic is that? If life throws you something shit its not in human nature to go *grin* "OH WELL! lets see how I can turn this absolutely appalling occurrence into something positive" we go "oh fuck.. *mope*" then SOME of us, will try and look on the bright side.

Being down about stuff is in most peoples nature, sometimes people need to feel down about the bad stuff for the good stuff to feel good. I mean.. if people are constantly happy about everything, when something awesome happens... they will still be just happy?

Anywho, enough of me trying to be all psychological.

Life feels pretty crap at the moment, but when I actually take a deeper look, t
heres nothing for me to be unhappy about. So.. I dunno WHY I feel down. I just know I do. So ima have to address this issue.

I've given up on men and boyfriends. It just seems a pointless waste of time at the moment. I have my career to concentrate on aswell as getting myself sorted out. I dont need the distraction of men. Plus, lets face it. What time do I have for boyfriends anyway. I'm always fucking working. I walk alot to, and I've this to have a really positive effect on my body and shape. Which I guess is a good thing. I could do with working on my self confidence.

Someone asked me the other day where I see myself in 10 years and I couldnt answer, because to be honest, how can I know where I see myself.. when I dont know what I want. This person couldnt accept this answer... and got me thinking.

Do I want children?
Would I ever like to get married?
What about my career?
Do I wanna buy a house?

I guess if I look at a perfect world, the answers to the above questions would be, Yes to children, yes to husband, nice house and a good career. But.. I'm not sure if I want that.

When I was with Andy I invisidged myself getting married, buying a house and having children.. but I just cant see that anymore. I'm now almost 23 and I cant even begin to imagine myself as Married, or a Mum anymore. I dunno why this is... but I guess people change. The only thing I am sure of is my career. I wanna stay with the company im with and go into Marketing/Management. All the family stuff just doesnt appeal. I just in some ways it could be that underneath it all I'm still trying to fix a broken heart, and its a slow process. Learning to trust is the hardest part of all, as pretty much (excluding one or two) every person I've put my trust in lately has hurt me.

I guess when it all comes down to it, I've got alot of thinking to do and alot of issues to sort out before I can be truely happy.

Love N Kisses

Monday, 3 May 2010


The Mirror Shows A Reflection I Don't Recognise
My Fingers Move In Directions I Don't Choose
Repercussions And Consequence?
Left Behind Like A Forgotten Lover
Why Do We Do This To Ourselves?
Go Through The Torture Of Pain And Hurt?
Stop And Think.. For Even A Second
Sometimes Disaster Is Not A Set Course